Instinct

Considerations of instinct may be another route to the moment.  Acting in accord to instinct would leave the locus of control on the individual.  That is, me.  However, recent studies of data and human behaviour have proven that instinct is not always the smartest way of making decisions.  What seems intuitively correct, is not always right.  The example given is the Monte Hall conundrum.  You have three doors to chose from.  You choose one, then the host opens one of the other doors that does not have a prize hidden behind it.  He then asks if you want to switch doors.  Intuitively, you would think that it doesn't matter.  You have a fifty/fifty chance either way.  But, in fact, you increase your odds to 2/3s by switching.

Nevertheless, at the end of the day, all you have is your instinct.  It simply needs to be checked for veracity. The question lies in how stringently they should be checked. 

Yes, still the moment

The concert went well.  Jimmy Rankin was very polished as was his side kick, Jamie.  While Jamie was friendly and warm, one might have accused Jimmy of being a little cold.  Leading him to his dressing room after he'd arrived, he didn't even give me the opportunity to introduce myself which I kind of understand.  Even though the guy is a minor celebrity, he is immediately recognizable.  I asked if he wanted me to say anything with regard to introducing him and he said no so when I introduced him as "Here's Jimmy Rankin," he commented on my long and elaborate introduction.  

Attempting to keep the moment

I met Bill at the gym door on Sunday morning to load the stage onto the back of his truck.  Justin was there to meet us when we arrived at the church so now Bill had someone to complain to about the unreasonable expectations Jimmy had included in his rider, the rider Nicola had signed, the same rider that I, as president had failed to show sufficient disgust. Like the tech requirements, weren't they unreasonable and why did the stage have to be at least three feet above the floor and what about the hospitality requirements, did he have to have both Perrier and Evian water?  When he was in charge of contracts and was negotiating with Murray McLauchlan, he told Murray to shove it when he made too many demands on his committee.  "I may have an attitude," Bill says, "but at least I have an attitude."
I'd been listening to a podcast on the way back from Edmonton the night before, where Dean Martin was described as having been Mr. Cool and wondered if that could be me.  After my short discourse with Bill, I really didn't think that was the case.  

The Moment

I keep coming back to this one.  I did go through a very bad time with my Grade 12 social class.  Outright rebellion might not be overstating the situation; all behind my back.  I felt great apprehension with the approach of that last period of the day.  Would they gang up on me?  What would be my defence?   How could I engage them and still cover the curriculum.  Three months later, I have my answer.  I can’t.  Now, I need to blast through content, which brings me back to my topic, the moment.  Last night, we were listening to "This American Life" on the drive back to Slave Lake from Edmonton.  We'd taken Elizabeth and Hart out to dinner for her birthday to a "trashy Chinese restaurant" on 97th street.  Much to our surprise, Sai Woo restaurant was packed but just as we were opening the door to leave, the waiter stopped us to say that one of the customers had just paid and if we were wiling to wait a few minutes, he could seat us.  All went well except we didn't have a birthday cake for which I feel kind of badly but that's all beside the point.  This morning, I couldn't remember what the show was about.  I remembered the beginning about a student who couldn't go to the school in the next district and a considerably higher standard of living.  This segued into a documentary on the segregated neighbourhoods in the United States and how the government actually initiated them by granting mortgages to white citizens and not black leaving blacks in the downtown cores surrounded by a series of white suburbs, like a noose, someone had said with reference to lynchings in the south.  I realized that when I worry about the uncontrollable future, I should use that time to put my past in order, still living in the moment, but a different kind of moment.  And what about a program that could tabulate my life, put it in some kind of order.  Not really possible, but maybe this blog is.   

  

Delay gratification

Sometimes I reflect on how terrible my life is and will whine to whomever has the misfortunate to listen.  Yet, my life is not so bad.  It's just not 100% good and is this so possible.  Are we not all forced to make trade-offs?  Mine is between work and play.  I've chosen work that I rarely enjoy that has provided the majority of my time left to play.  Should I resent it when it presents greater demands than what I'm used to?   

Meaning?

My wife asked what I meant by snapped and I couldn't answer her. Not sure I can yet. I would say that I had a very peaceful day today so maybe it means I don't care. Maybe I've accepted the fact that I'm teaching full time now, I'm under the microscope and there's nothing I can do about it. 

Snapped

I feel like something snapped in me. I'm not sure when it happened.  Could have been during the staff meeting on Friday.  Anyway, I don't seem to care.  I'll see what happens tomorrow.  

Consider yourself and your family and less about what others think of you

This comes from considerations of Adam Smith.  If he was right, and there's much evidence to support that he was, I should consider what is good for me and less what others think of the value of what I am doing.  I should act in accordance with my desires and less as a consequence of fears.  Fears are never ending.  Desires have an achievable goal which can be evaluated.  

God Mantra didn't work

Like every other mantra I've tried, even the God mantra didn't work.  My students still rebelled and I could do little in response.  They complained that my classes were random and didn't make sense, that my quizzes were unfair, that they couldn't do my essays because I hadn't explained them.  The principal listened to their complaints never agreeing but never dismissing them either.  She wouldn't pass judgement without actually observing me teach like a captain listening to his foot soldiers complain about their lieutenant and waiting a performance report to determine whether or not they should follow his command.  She even had a noon hour meeting with my disgruntled Grade 12 students.  I could be crap but I doubt it.  What is relevant to what I have say is that I suffered a debilitating migraine on Thursday and Friday of last week and then Monday through Wednesday of this.  (Friday was a professional development day without students.)  The God Mantra didn't work.  

So, I resolved to observe myself in the third person making my way to class, teaching, marking, answering questions and I would honestly wonder what I would do next.  I felt under so much pressure that I couldn't think beyond the present moment.  Like a movie, only in my movie I felt, intensely.  And that's when I came up with the idea that there may not be a universal mantra (at least for me.)  Perhaps there a mantra that makes sense at particular moments and places in the day, like a persona that works in some circumstances and not others.  We shall see.  

Have fun - Day 6

I was having fun at the beginning of the school year with my adrenalin pumping.  However, now, the adrenalin is gone, so has the fun. Instead a kind of lethargy has taken over and I remind myself not to engage too much with students. For the school division, the latest fad is engage.  The teachers are to talk to students anytime they can.  Make connections because students with connections in the school, attend.   however my feeling is that I can engage too much. Otherwise I do believe they think it weird.

Relinquish yourself to God - Day 15

This may sound like a religious proclamation except that I have no religion in mind nor do I have any concept of what/who God could be.  Could he/she be one entity or many?  Does he/she have any direct influence on my life or simply an overall influence?  I have no idea.  All I know is that I don't control my existence and I can't simply believe my life is a series of random, Darwinian events, not because I believe this couldn't be the reality.  No, simply because I prefer to believe in the existence of God than a random, unknown alternative.  I like to think my Dad is somewhere, my Grandma is somewhere, my father-in-law is somewhere and even my dogs are somewhere.  I know that's ridiculously optimistic but that's the wonderful thing about the unknown.  It's the unknown.  And with God, I can just let go and believe that he/she might be the motivator behind some of the decisions I make and the decisions made by others.  I can be more forgiving of myself and likewise, of others.  They make mistakes and so can I.    

Day 1 after being sent back to the classroom after 23 years as a full-time or part-time guidance counsellor.

I do not enjoy standing in front of groups of students for extended periods of time so the idea of doing it as a regular teacher has filled me with horror for the entire summer.  And so, I sought refuge in the philosophical mantra.  First, it was “Zen.”  By that, I mean I try to stay as calm as possible and focus on the moment.  Of course, that only works for the five or ten seconds that I’m thinking about it.  Then there’s “just have fun.”  Now, the advantages of this is that it provides an active reason to focus on the moment.  It works great when you've got the adrenalin running high and aren't sure where to put it.  A problem with this mantra is that it requires a lot of energy and it's just too much energy to maintain.  It works great if you're about to go on stage to do a stand up routine or act a part in the play but not so good in the day to day grind of the classroom.  So, there's always just being yourself. 

Let people talk

So often we try to predict what they have to say.  The worst are the finishers, those people who finish your sentence like if I am talking to you now and you were a finisher, you'd be . . . .  Sometimes finishers are right.  I like to trip them up.  Not always possible.  We all like to feel a connectedness.  I like to add observations and experiences of my own that confirm what the person has to say even when I don't agree with them at all.  As you can imagine, this leads to all kinds of misinterpretations.  Everyone's my friend because I never contradict them which probably comes from my upbringing.  My mother never liked to be contradicted so even when she was saying things about me or my friends that I found abhor ant, I would just listen.